dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
