I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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