You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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