I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
it glows. i had to have it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
