my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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