This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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