between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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