Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
