I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
