When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
