She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
