Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
