Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
