last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
love makes seman taste better
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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