It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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