I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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