my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
