It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
