he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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