update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
