Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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