she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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