i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
