why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
