I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
