I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
