he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
