Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
