i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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