I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
