I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
