She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is Oprah even human
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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