a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
