He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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