Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
