mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
