Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
