Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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