you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
