She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
