OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
