Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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