What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
