turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
