I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
