I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
