My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
