I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
