two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can you repeat that, but with context?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
