Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
