Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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