My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
