nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
