I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
