Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
