Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
